Mind The Concealed Controller part I: Tullamore's Mind's A Mess

Today's entry revisits Chris Claremont's 2000 run on Uncanny X-men and the early misadventures the mutants had, fighting their mysterious new foe: The Neo.

The Neo actually consisted of quite a few subgroups. Apart from the main clan led by Domina, the team also encountered the Shockwave Riders, the Lost Souls, the Goth and in Uncanny X-men # 383... meet the Crimson Pirates.

But first, say hello to Tullamore Voge.

This rather obese blue refuge from an alternate dimension is actually a slaver, who tried to profit from trading Russian mutants all across the omniverse. The X-men had already put a stop to that business an issue earlier, but now they wanted to know just who he was working for.

Conventional interrogation methods were getting them nowhere, and and this was well before 9/11 okayed the use of 'enhanced interrogation techniques' (though if you waterboarded a blue guy, who can tell the difference)... So they figured the best way to learn what's on his mind is to, well, go inside his mind.

Despite Cable's misgivings, Phoenix volunteered for the job.

"My telepathy will allow me to do virtually anything..."

Famous last words, Jean... Because inside Voge's mind, there just might be (Tulla)more than you can handle. And the first surprise is that inside Voge's head, she encountered Wolverine, of all people.

"I hate this flamin' fishbowl! My skull feels like it just got dropped in hot oil f'r fryin'!"

Yeah, let's call it an (unfortunate) coincidence... But the second Jean used her telepathic powers to conduct her investigation into the villain's mind, she's also contacted by Wolverine via Cerebro. 

"I'm fine, darlin'... But the X-men got serious trouble."

He just 'called' to give her an update on the Neo his team of X-men had been facing back in New York. But their little reunion is cut short when Voge realises someone's been using his mind for a conference call.

"Silly little piece o'fluff, wot. Figurin' t'match wits with a master?
Been breakin' mentats like you to the harness for donkey's years now."

For those of you not fluent in what appears to be an interdimensional take on cockney English, Voge is rather unimpressed with Jean's telepathic prowess and he plans to bend her and Wolverine to his will. He figures the combination of their genetic potential (i.e: kids) could be very profitable...

All the more reason to turn them into his slaves. Heck, he'd already constructed their new identities as his mindless Hounds. If those creatures beat Wolverine and Jean, they'd be taken over permanently.

Jean wasn't having any of this and took swift action. Just as Wolverine was getting transformed into a Hound (apparently he was already pretty close to one anyway), Jean pushed Logan out of Voge's mind and back into his own body, keeping him safe.

"Which begs of course the final question, o blessed matriarch... Who's left to rescue you?"

The mysterious fanged bad guy with awful dental hygiene makes a good point. But before we go into the question who he is, let's see if Wolverine survived the trip back from the astral plane.

"I was comin' apart inside, bein' twisted inside out like taffy. Happened so fast, didn't think such a thing was possible. I saw the collar of a Hound...
and suddenly, more than anything, I wanted to wear it."

So, Wolverine narrowly escaped getting mind controlled... But back in Russia, Jean was still trapped inside Tullamore Voge's mind. Her body had collapsed, which made the X-men more than a little suspicious and convinced Cable he'd better follow her in to see what was wrong. Upon arrival, he got a pretty good clue who the mystery mind mucker is...

"When you behold the face of the Gorgon, do you ever wonder if you're looking into a mirror?"

In a clever bit of misdirection, Cable thought he was facing both Onslaught and Jean herself. But he was actually facing, of all people, Stryfe. This was never revealed in the issue itself, Claremont planned to use Cable's clone turned master villain in future storylines... Unfortunately, he was taken off the book before anything could come of this. 

But while all this was going down on the astral plane, the X-men were under attack from this new band of Neo calling themselves the Crimson Pirates. They had come to free Tullamore Voge, which was something the team simply couldn't allow. They stood ready to take them on, even Cable had returned to his own body... Or had he?

"I can't sense a trace of the virus... it's been purged from my system. And my eyes... they're both normal! My scars are gone. I've never seen my face like this."

Yeah... In retrospect, it's pretty obvious Claremont was already writing Stryfe here. From his earlier comment to Jean, refering to her as 'matriarch' (after all, Stryfe's birth mother was Jean's clone Madelyne Pryor) to his comment to Cable about looking into a mirror. But clone and original were about to get even more intimately involved...

During the fight against the Crimson Pirates, 'Cable' suddenly switched teams...

"The Psimitar is a fabulous weapon and Nathan Dayspring Summers is the unchallenged master in its use. Such a shame the same cannot be said for his soul and for his body!"

Which is a rather wordy way of saying... Cable's mind has been taken over, which is something Storm and Gambit realised a bit too late. The Crimson Pirates then proceeded to free Voge and planned on capturing all the other X-men to use as their mindless pawns. However, Beast and Phoenix managed to run away to fight another day.

This conflict would be resolved a month later in Uncanny X-men 385, as we'll cover in part II of Mind The Concealed Controller: Neo-thing New, Really...

Seducing Storm part II: Oh oh Ororo

It must be hard being Ororo Munroe... Being a natural beauty is bound to guarantee you plenty of unwanted attention... Even when Storm went hardcore punk in the early 80s, she was still besieged by enamored baddies.

Still, the first one to fall for Storm in her new guise wasn't a real bad guy at all, even though he accidentally hurt her more than most villains ever could.

Forge was first introduced as a mutant working for the US government, using his genetic gift for inventing to combat the Dire Wraith threat... Yet, he was also asked to develop a weapon that would cancel out mutant powers. Originally, it was intended to neutralise Rogue, but Storm was the one who accidentally got shot.

Feeling guilty, Forge took the now depowered Storm in, but guilt soon turned to lust...

Unaware of the fact Forge was the one responsible for her power loss, Storm slowly allowed herself to develop feelings for that kind, sweet man.

Yet, when I first read these issues as a kid, I couldn't shake the feeling there was something a bit off about the Storm/Forge. Especially when Barry Windsor-Smith drew Forge, it just felt wrong to have him in scenes like these...

Forge looked oddly familiar, yet at the time I couldn't quite put my finger on it... Ow, wait. Yeah... 

"Momma... Gyrich just shot Storm... Pulled my gun against her friend, pushed the trigger now her powers are dead... Momma.... Oeeeh-hooo-hooo..."

The affair between Storm and Forge didn't end well, but not because Forge discovered he was gayer than the actual Freddy Mercury. Which is quite the feat, considering 80s coloring made Forge look positively pink. 

And then there was this scene from Uncanny X-men annual # 11, which saw baddie Horde promise this to Storm, after beating her up for a bit.

Raping and groping is okay, just as long as you promise you're gonna be making an honest woman out of your victim...

Moving on to yet another annual and a deity with the hots for the former windrider...Enter Loki, Asgardian god of mischief who had studied her from afar and was so taken with her, he had her kidnapped to Asgard so he could properly... court her.

Now, I know what you're saying: "Jeez, how could Chris ever criticise the treatment of Ms. Marvel back in Avengers # 200, when he has Loki do the exact same thing to Storm?!"

Ow, no one was saying that? Well... Moving on then. Loki sensed just how much Storm missed her mutant abilities, so he did what all scheming, seducing god types tend to do... He offered Ororo her heart's desire... at a price. She accepted his proposal and he had an enchanted, weather controlling mallet made for her, not unlike the one his foster brother Thor carries.

All of this was part of Loki's grand plan to use Storm as his mind controlled goddess of thunder...

Fair's fair, she does look good wielding all that godlike power. But, despite his mind control, she willingly gave up her claim to (false) godhood when Loki almost had her kill Wolverine.

Not long after she returned from Asgard, Storm became the plaything of the next mind controlling villain. The X-men received word on their associate Allison Blaire, better known as Dazzler. Apparently, she'd been taken over by the mind controlling Marauder Malice, who was capable of jumping from person to person, until she finally hit home...

Unfortunately for poor old Malice, Storm wasn't caught quite so easily...

Unfortunately for poor old Malice, Storm wasn't quite so easily ensnarled... She escaped from Malice's clutches, realising she needed her weather control powers back in order to do some actual good. This prompted her to go search out Forge, which caused her to catch the Adversary's attention. The who now? In a nutshell; another supervillain who turned out to be super into her, as chronicled here...

The Adversary, disguised as Forge's mentor Nazé, quite openly lusted after her. He didn't even try to hide or downplay his interest...

... Still, everyone has his or her breaking point... even outer dimensional chaos demons. So, it isn't any wonder the Adversary soon opted for a more direct approach...

It goes without saying that the Adversary's love for Storm wasn't reciprocated. Bad choice, Ororo... You could have been a universal evil's main squeeze. Maybe you should have accepted, after all... its not like you're getting any younger. Case in point, the next time a major baddie decided to have Ororo for his queen, she wasn't even his first, let alone only choice...

As part of the 1989 annual crossover Atlantis Attacks, Chris Claremont offered up Storm as one of the seven brides of Set, mind controlled heroines who would serve as hosts for the elder god Set's children upon his return to Earth.

Set was dealth with pretty smoothly and with the 1990s fast approaching, Chris Claremont's initial run on the X-men was winding down. Sure, he had Storm attacked and mind controlled by Nanny and Orphan Maker before he had her changed into a kid and hounded by not only the Genoshan Magistrate, a Cyborg Cameron Hodge and the Shadow King himself... But none of them wanted to marry her outright...

Claremont left the X-universe alone from 1991 to early 2000. In that time, Storm didn't really change all that much. Sure, she got a few new costumes, a couple of interesting hair dos, but no baddie would even try and court her...

That all changed in 2001, when Claremont returned to the realm of X... After a relatively unsuccesful relaunch of the two top tier X-titles... Chris was offered X-treme X-men, a new X-book that allowed him to hand pick his favorite characters as they went on a global search for Irene Adler's destiny diaries.

Their adventures led the X-treme Team to Madripoor, where their adventures were rudely interrupted by the interdimensional alien ruler Khan... He had picked Madripoor as a beach head for his invasion force that was ready to conquer Earth by dropping his forces from giant space tethers.

During their initial confrontation, Storm caught Khan's eye. He took Storm captive and attempted to court her... She seemed perfect for his harem, nay, even better: she was to be his next queen.

But Storm wasn't really into his intergalactic sweet talk... Not even when her life depended on it...

Its been said that love hurts, but this is ridiculous... Storm's defiance resulted in a big plunge that caused a spinal cord injury, confining her to a wheelchair for a while.

After Khan and his invasion forces were chased from Earth, Storm and her team caught up with the other X-men. X-treme X-men # 19 featured a joyful reunion that dovetailed Claremont's soft spot for Storm's baddie betrothal...

"Doesn't EVERY bad guy worth the name?"

Good point there, Wolverine... especially considering the scene that followed this...

Wait, say wha?

 "Does this happen often? Actually, YES."

Truer words were never spoken, because not long after that, Storm once again fell prey to a fawning bad guy...

During the events of the X-treme X-men arc Storm: The Arena, Storm and Callisto found themselves captives of the former Morlock Masque, fighting for their very lives in a Fight Club inspired Arena in which mutants and meta humans fought each other for the amusement of the filthy rich. Masque ran one of these arenas, using his powers to transform himself from a disfigured bald man into a beautiful blonde babe.

Despite having everything he/she ever wanted, Masque was still obsessed with getting his revenge on Storm and Callisto...

Ow, yes... the theme of this blogpost was supervillains who wanted Storm. Well, Masque enjoyed getting Storm to beg for mercy thanks to the mind controlling villains Purge and Paradise. But at heart he/she remained a businessman. So, when a former foe of Storm's offered to buy her, Masque was all ready to talk turkey...

But before Voge got his hands on her, Masque had Storm and Callisto embark on a farewell tour. This allowed Storm to break free of course. But not before we come full circle and see this again...

Shortly after X-treme X-men ended, Chris Claremont returned to Uncanny X-men and his attention shifted from Storm to Sage and Rachel Grey.

Storm hasn't really complained, tho... She eventually married her childhood sweetheart T'Challa the Black Panther, courtesey of an origin story Chris Claremont wrote back in Classic X-men and its been smooth sailing for her ever since. Nowadays, Ororo's a queen, an X-man, an Avenger and even a former member of the Fantastic Four.

In other words, it takes a lot of wrong turns before you're on the path to Mr. Right... So, thanks for matchmaking, Mister Claremont!